personal ad

I’m wrong for you. I’m down a couple lovers, too. I did have two, both from out of town, thank goodness. But the man’s getting married, and I just couldn’t seem to get along with the woman. I’ll tell you what, women yak too much about their feelings.

And I really don’t get the personal ad philosophy that you advertise for what you want—someone who likes long walks on the beach or indie films or whatever—and if someone fits your template, he or she is the one for you. As far as I can tell, people fall in lust with people who are not like them. And as for love, well, one of my friends defines it as the irresistible attraction to the wrong person.

When it comes to picking out of a lineup, I can’t look at someone and say, “Phew, hot!” I really don’t feel drawn to people until I’ve spent a lot of time with them, preferably in adverse circumstances. You know, like danger or hardship or emotional distress. For weeks.
So, like, I couldn’t have dinner or a drink and know whether I wanted to hop into bed with you. I’m missing the chemistry chip.

So how do you figure out who meets your criteria?
I don’t even know if I’m looking for a male or a female.
I don’t want a psycho, but then everybody is psycho, and you can’t narrow the field to zero.
I used to say that I was never going to get involved with someone who didn’t have a kid. But if you’re mostly having sex, who cares?
You probably have to be smart to have fabulous sex, but since I’ve never had sex with a dumb person, I wouldn’t really know.
OK, here’s one: I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t tolerate having sex with a person who is in my daughter’s age group. She’s 23.
Don’t bother doing the calculation. I’m 54. Female.

I can give you a few tips about why I’m wrong for you.
I’m addicted to many things, among them tobacco, alcohol, crossword puzzles, grapefruit juice, blogging and the newspaper.
I carry more weight around than the girl of your dreams.
I am way too honest.
I don’t like discussing or preparing meals.
I don’t own a TV, and I won’t go to the movies.
I don’t like to leave the house unless I’m going really far away.
I don’t like little kids or pets that much.
Or cuddling.
Or marriage.
I’m contrary.
I’m arrogant.
I always know better than you about everything.
And my friends are much more interesting than yours.

Why I can't stop: You're all wrong for me.