There are these long lists that you make wheneer you're preparing to neglect your real life for any period of time. Most of the things I have to do today fall into the category of "I'd rather do my taxes or have my tooth drilled." Oh wait. . .
Why I can't stop: Those are on the list for today.
1.31.2006
1.30.2006
everything is a wreck
It's like, I have too much to do, and I don't know what to do first.
Why I can't stop: I'd like to lie down in the sand, like the shipwrecked sailor, and smoke until I am saved.
Why I can't stop: I'd like to lie down in the sand, like the shipwrecked sailor, and smoke until I am saved.
1.27.2006
1.26.2006
a sad day for dogs
The guest dog left today, leaving his city friends (above) to go back to the country. He is not good with transitions. Maybe he is ADHD, like a lot of other folk I know from the Berkshires. After we put the luggage in the trunk he had to be dragged, feet splayed, across the sidewalk and hauled bodily into the car. "He loves you more than me!" his mom wailed. "He loves J more than either of us," I said, and headed up the street to get the newspaper.
Why I can't stop: Partings are such sweet sorrow.
1.25.2006
our peers
Here's a person who also was doing his civic duty yesterday—apparently even more resentfully than I, according to this Craig's List rant. Hope he got sprung too.
"I hate you county of New York.
"Do you think it would be possible if you could waste two more days of
my life? Perchance, could you herd me around from room to room like
cows getting ready for slaughter? When all forty people in a room
raise their arms that they do not want to be involved in a 4-6 week
court case don't be shocked. And, when I don't want to do one 4 week
court case I MEAN IT! DON'T SEND ME TO ANOTHER ROOM FOR ANOTHER 4-6
WEEK COURT CASE! I have a life. I have a job. I AM IMPORTANT! I will
lie to get out of jury duty. I will cheat to get out of jury duty.
I'll be racist, ridiculous, crazy, etc. I will come in drunk. I will
come in with my penis hanging out of my pants. If I am put on a jury,
I will take sides with the person who can get me the fuck out of there
the quickest. Do you think I care about Mr. Jones and Ms. Smith's
property dispute? I AM SELFISH. I care more about what I am doing
Friday night then the car accident on 213th Street, and the ambulance
chasers trying to rake in some green.
"Oh, also do you think you could possibly update the system just a
little bit? Why am I filling out forms and waiting around two whole
days? Ever hear of the fucking internet? USE IT!
"I hate you county of New York. Oh, and please remove the 20 foot "IN
GOD WE TRUST" off the wall of every courtroom. Some of us still
believe in Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, and the great Hammurabi and his
code of law. We find it pretty fucking offensive."
"I hate you county of New York.
"Do you think it would be possible if you could waste two more days of
my life? Perchance, could you herd me around from room to room like
cows getting ready for slaughter? When all forty people in a room
raise their arms that they do not want to be involved in a 4-6 week
court case don't be shocked. And, when I don't want to do one 4 week
court case I MEAN IT! DON'T SEND ME TO ANOTHER ROOM FOR ANOTHER 4-6
WEEK COURT CASE! I have a life. I have a job. I AM IMPORTANT! I will
lie to get out of jury duty. I will cheat to get out of jury duty.
I'll be racist, ridiculous, crazy, etc. I will come in drunk. I will
come in with my penis hanging out of my pants. If I am put on a jury,
I will take sides with the person who can get me the fuck out of there
the quickest. Do you think I care about Mr. Jones and Ms. Smith's
property dispute? I AM SELFISH. I care more about what I am doing
Friday night then the car accident on 213th Street, and the ambulance
chasers trying to rake in some green.
"Oh, also do you think you could possibly update the system just a
little bit? Why am I filling out forms and waiting around two whole
days? Ever hear of the fucking internet? USE IT!
"I hate you county of New York. Oh, and please remove the 20 foot "IN
GOD WE TRUST" off the wall of every courtroom. Some of us still
believe in Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, and the great Hammurabi and his
code of law. We find it pretty fucking offensive."
1.23.2006
civic duty
I cannot tell you what I have been doing.
I am not allowed to say.
The word "conscience" is inappropriate in connection with my task, and yet the doing of it makes one feel virtuous. And sleepy.
I can report that I had to get up very early, and that it was raining.
The place was not too far from Chinatown, and so I was able to have pho for lunch.
When I came home, it was still raining.
Why I can't stop: I have to go back tomorrow
I am not allowed to say.
The word "conscience" is inappropriate in connection with my task, and yet the doing of it makes one feel virtuous. And sleepy.
I can report that I had to get up very early, and that it was raining.
The place was not too far from Chinatown, and so I was able to have pho for lunch.
When I came home, it was still raining.
Why I can't stop: I have to go back tomorrow
1.21.2006
1.20.2006
broken heart surgery
"My heart is broken," a friend told me recently. And told me. And told me.
And she wasn't the only one. There are other broken hearts around here, too. And I've had one myself.
But this I know as confidante:
You can't see a broken heart.
You can't feel a broken heart.
You can't do anything for a broken heart.
And usually, you can't see what the other person saw in the person who broke her heart, either.
You have to pretend.
And maybe swear to never again make anyone else your confidante.
Oops, there's the phone. "Claudia's Counseling Service. Hello."
Why I can't stop: She's on the couch right now, smoking.
And she wasn't the only one. There are other broken hearts around here, too. And I've had one myself.
But this I know as confidante:
You can't see a broken heart.
You can't feel a broken heart.
You can't do anything for a broken heart.
And usually, you can't see what the other person saw in the person who broke her heart, either.
You have to pretend.
And maybe swear to never again make anyone else your confidante.
Oops, there's the phone. "Claudia's Counseling Service. Hello."
Why I can't stop: She's on the couch right now, smoking.
1.19.2006
1.18.2006
the pot at the end of the rainbow
Picture, possibly doctored, from an Ozark friend. The concept holds, however: They so lied to us.Why I can't stop:
There ain't shit at the end of the rainbow. Oops—maybe there is!
1.17.2006
1.16.2006
1.13.2006
1.12.2006
that's cold
Why does this happen? The second I book a winter escape trip, the temp soars to nearly 60 degrees and New York is sheer heaven.
Why I can never ever stop doing obsessive things that are damaging to my health and to my amour propre: I just know it will snow all of March and well into April and my tan will fade and I will be freezing my ass off until I am driven to book another tropical destination vacation at which point the weather will be perfect again.
Why I can never ever stop doing obsessive things that are damaging to my health and to my amour propre: I just know it will snow all of March and well into April and my tan will fade and I will be freezing my ass off until I am driven to book another tropical destination vacation at which point the weather will be perfect again.
1.11.2006
1.10.2006
1.09.2006
straight marriage
She wants the white dress and the veil and the save-this-date cards. Bridesmaids, flutes and favors. How did I manage to raise a child so conservative? Is this the not-mom rebellion?
Why I can't stop: I want the fire dancers
1.06.2006
so blond
Pull the truck into the curb. Is it close to but not over the crosswalk? Better check. Plenty of time, after all. Have to sit with the thing for half an hour yet so I don't get a ticket. Get out and leave the door open a crack to look.
Oops! There's the sanitation police and the street sweeper. Have to move, quick. Back to the driver's side.
Can't get in. Car locked. Keys inside. No Hide-a-Key. Street sweeper rumbling impatiently.
Shake hair down out of bun. Pick up stick from street and ineffectually try to unlock door. Shrug at street sweeper driver. Doorman tries to help with coat hanger. Sanitation police stop to offer advice. Doorman offers to watch truck while I run the four blocks home to fetch extra set of keys, if I can find them. Run home. Run back.
No ticket. No towaway.
Why I can't stop: Born blond
Oops! There's the sanitation police and the street sweeper. Have to move, quick. Back to the driver's side.
Can't get in. Car locked. Keys inside. No Hide-a-Key. Street sweeper rumbling impatiently.
Shake hair down out of bun. Pick up stick from street and ineffectually try to unlock door. Shrug at street sweeper driver. Doorman tries to help with coat hanger. Sanitation police stop to offer advice. Doorman offers to watch truck while I run the four blocks home to fetch extra set of keys, if I can find them. Run home. Run back.
No ticket. No towaway.
Why I can't stop: Born blond
1.05.2006
1.04.2006
1.03.2006
1.02.2006
pet zoo
People keep suggesting that I get a dog. In fact, mentioning no names, Someone sent me this picture of a puppy and suggested I look for one like it—a crossbreed, I assume between a Bad Attitude and a Puffball.I do not want a puppy! I do not want a pet of any kind!
Why I can't stop: I am not into domesticity even with animals
1.01.2006
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