the end

don't shoot

"If I ever get a little dog or a kitty, just take me out back and____________."
Those of you who know me will be able to fill in the blank.
Word: I have accepted a little dog.
And a roommate.
For some months.
For those of you who have perceived a tone of no-so-quiet desperation in my recent posts, I can only think that you must be partly right. Dog?
I have gone out of my mind.
It happened like this.
Neruda: "You remember my friend Antonia Lynn? You met at my wedding? The one who directs movies?"
Me: "Yes."
Neruda: "Do you want to rent her a room? She got kicked out of her other place and she needs a place to stay in New York. She comes home to the Berkshires for weekends."
Me: "Well, maybe. For how long?"
Neruda: "I'll have her call you. You're breaking up."
One day later.
Antonia: "So I am in such a mess. My boyfriend of two years dumped me. He said he doesn't love me any more and I said we can work on this and he said there's nothing to work on and I guess you can't make someone love you and I'm so sick of moving...."
Me: "Well, I'm not there right now, but I can leave keys in the elevator."
Antonia: "How much do you want?"
Me: "Well, don't you get like a per diem?"
Antonia: "Six-fifty?"
Me: "That's too much."
Antonia: "Five hundred?"
Me: "That's fine."
Antonia: "There's just one thing."
Me: "???"
Antonia: "I have a little dog."

Why I can't stop: My negotiating skills.

personal ad

I’m wrong for you. I’m down a couple lovers, too. I did have two, both from out of town, thank goodness. But the man’s getting married, and I just couldn’t seem to get along with the woman. I’ll tell you what, women yak too much about their feelings.

And I really don’t get the personal ad philosophy that you advertise for what you want—someone who likes long walks on the beach or indie films or whatever—and if someone fits your template, he or she is the one for you. As far as I can tell, people fall in lust with people who are not like them. And as for love, well, one of my friends defines it as the irresistible attraction to the wrong person.

When it comes to picking out of a lineup, I can’t look at someone and say, “Phew, hot!” I really don’t feel drawn to people until I’ve spent a lot of time with them, preferably in adverse circumstances. You know, like danger or hardship or emotional distress. For weeks.
So, like, I couldn’t have dinner or a drink and know whether I wanted to hop into bed with you. I’m missing the chemistry chip.

So how do you figure out who meets your criteria?
I don’t even know if I’m looking for a male or a female.
I don’t want a psycho, but then everybody is psycho, and you can’t narrow the field to zero.
I used to say that I was never going to get involved with someone who didn’t have a kid. But if you’re mostly having sex, who cares?
You probably have to be smart to have fabulous sex, but since I’ve never had sex with a dumb person, I wouldn’t really know.
OK, here’s one: I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t tolerate having sex with a person who is in my daughter’s age group. She’s 23.
Don’t bother doing the calculation. I’m 54. Female.

I can give you a few tips about why I’m wrong for you.
I’m addicted to many things, among them tobacco, alcohol, crossword puzzles, grapefruit juice, blogging and the newspaper.
I carry more weight around than the girl of your dreams.
I am way too honest.
I don’t like discussing or preparing meals.
I don’t own a TV, and I won’t go to the movies.
I don’t like to leave the house unless I’m going really far away.
I don’t like little kids or pets that much.
Or cuddling.
Or marriage.
I’m contrary.
I’m arrogant.
I always know better than you about everything.
And my friends are much more interesting than yours.

Why I can't stop: You're all wrong for me.

in your dreams

"May I borrow some of your makeup?"
Mick Jagger looked up from the mirror for a sec and pushed the greasepaint over. He had pots of rouge and eyeshadow in front of him. Even a flutter of fake eyelashes.
Donna and I were getting ready to shoot a scene in a movie. We were to ride through the streets of Manhattan in a VW bug convertible and meet cute with Jagger and his band, playing on the back of a flatbed truck. In fact, the backup band had just come into the Green Room.
"Look," I said to Donna. "You can tell just by looking at them who's the drummer, the bassist, the lead guitarist, the keyboard guy." I caught myself. "Sorry, that was mean. Typecasting." (N.B. You really can almost always tell.)
Donna wasn't looking. She was flirting with Jagger. "I think I'm in love," she said.
Why I can't stop: Even in my dreams she gets her man.

wedding bells

"Hallo," he said. "Just calling to see if you'd gotten blown away by the hurricane."
"I thought you were calling to tell me you were getting married," I said.
"Intuitive, aren't you?"
"I have that reputation. When?"
"December third."
"Well, I don't expect to be invited. It might be a little awkward."
"Maybe. It will be very small. Maybe a big party later."
"Congratulations," I said. "Everybody should try it once. And men are particularly domestic. You are particularly domestic. I think you'll be very happy."
"Reckon so?"
"I do."
Reason I can't stop today: Another one bites the dust.

yikes!

High tide is at 3:00. Storm surge to three feet.
Why I can't stop: It might be my last.

circle game

When I was 24 years old, I became a copy editor.
I am now 54 years old and have become a copy editor again.
Why I can't stop: Did the rest of my life happen?

the heat is off

It is a trifle nippy here in the house by the sea. Save the crudest form of solar power (windows) and a very pricey but ineffectual propane stove, I don't have heat. Sometimes I wish I could curl up in the drier. Sometimes I sit in the truck with the heat on. Sometimes I just stay in bed.
Why I can't stop: Fire between my fingers

classic addiction

third time charm?

I think the planning board meeting might be tonight. But I sure can't swear to it.

waste time

Spent some quality time at a town council meeting last night. I didn't actually think I was going to a town council meeting—I thought I was going to a planning board meeting. It's lucky I hired a lawyer so that I can pay him thousands of dollars to keep the dates straight, since I can't. The planning board meets Wednesday. But I did learn an awful lot about the sewer plant that I didn't need to know since I'm not on the town sewer line.
Why I can't stop: I am such a loser.

moonset

Boy, us shutterbugs have to get up betimes in search of our pix. As the sun was arising, the full moon was descending. Simultaneously a full lunar eclipse was commencing. Sadly, the moon fell beneath the horizon of the House of Hat before the eclipse was visible.
Why I can't stop: Photography.

wintertide

go away

It's raining, again, and it's making everyone logy (spellcheck doesn't know how to spell this one either). I slept late, dreaming of all the things i should have been doing had I been properly awake. There are mushrooms sprouting all over the yard, and the pond, which just the day before yesterday was at its lowest, is filled up again. I saw a comorant in a huge puddle on the main road, thinking, apparently, that it would make a good fishing spot. Well, maybe it did.
Why I can't stop: Eleven inches.

rival fleets

Of course, in this weather, neither boat will be running. That means no mail, no milk, no periodicals.
Why I can't stop: I have to read the newspaper on line.

day of atonement

Today you are meant to fast, to purify yourself, to make up for your—well, we won't say "sins," wrong religion—your bads.
Why I can't stop: I have a lot to atone for.

she's leaving home

The kids have packed up their wetsuits and firetwirling sticks and photo gear and computers and tents and sleeping bags and Dr. Bronner's soap. Today, they plan to jam the backpacks and plastic containers all into a marginal station wagon and head out for the Pacific coast of Mexico, stopping en route to see everyone they have ever heard or dreamt of. Once settled in hammocks and palapas at the beach, they will try to pick up enough work to eat tortillas and grilled fish.
Why I can't stop: Did they forget their sweaters?

cruise control

Let me speak, just for a moment, about Tom Cruise and that poor little girl he married. They say they're expecting. Well, I guess there's no doubt she's expecting. However, I have it on pretty decent authority (a friend from People magazine who has a friend who's a big Hollywood fertility doctor)that Cruise is infertile.
So. Baby, huh? Katie? Nicole? What do you have to say about this? Weigh in, please.
Why I can't stop: Scientology.

battening down the hatches

Why I can't stop: The kids are taking care of things.

subways go boom

The Mayor of New York says there are credible threats of suicide bombers on the city's underground. Every time we hear a siren, we jump.
Why I can't stop: I'm about to get on the subway.

bad dog

periodical pressure

I have been neglecting my job, that of reading the newspaper every day. I also have a stack of magazines from the last month. I tried to let them run out, but Time and Newsweek won't let that happen (we know why). Now other publications, discovering how much reading material already arrives at my door, have started sending me free copies I can't avoid.
Why I can't stop: I am falling further behind every day.

wise old age

Asleep on the living room floor this morning: Two teenagers and a pair of twenty-somethings, one of them my daughter.
Asleep upstairs: Two tots and my younger sister.
Not asleep: One bouncy dog.
I am the oldest person in this house.
Why I can't stop today: It's my duty as a parent and role model.